Jay had His Birthday Party last week.

We had a great time last Saturday and celebrated Jay’s 5th Birthday.

Click the link below.

Jay’s Party

Love you all loads.

Yes, we are going out side and it is frickin’ cold/I am not Superman.

Jay is looking cooler and cooler everyday. He is so amazing. It has been cold here for weeks I am talking -19F. So what do you do when it is cold… go outside.

We had fun/

Well it has been a long time since I blogged. I have definitely started to break down. I have started calling in my friends and family. They have been staying with me and helping me with day to day things. 

I have been having trouble sleeping, trouble at work, trouble taking care of Jay, trouble taking care of myself and it has all finally caught up to me.

My heart rate and blood pressure have been abnormal. I woke up a couple of days ago at 3AM and found myself unable to breath. It felt like there was not oxygen in the room, I could exchange air, but could not breath it. I opened the window and it did not help. My heart was at 100 BPM at rest. This scared me… So I went to my Doctor and basically told her I thought I was ill. She listened and asked me questions and as we talked I started to break down emotionally. She told me that I was exhibiting classic signs of a panic attack. She said it was normal for a person that had been through this.

So I guess I am not superman… thank God!

I am on a mild anti depressant… never thought I would be here.

But I feel remarkabley better, better than I have for over a year.

I forgot what feeling good felt like.

Painfully yours.

Keith

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas to all.

I did not send out cards this year for multiple reasons. Mostly because I just did not find the time. But we love you all and wish you a wonderful season.

I do want to say thank you from the deepest part of my being to all that supported me this year. My friends and family have grown so much. I have to say that my company Sweetwater Sound stood by me and my family in a manor I could never have imagined. The outpouring of support was greater than that which I saw in the US Army (which is pretty amazing). From the President, Chuck to all of my bosses and coworkers. I am overwhelmed. I don’t know how to say thank you enough, except to just say thank you.

It has been such a sad year for me and Jay. I am realizing the further away we get from Mélaine’s death the more tragic is. My survival so far has been based on staying busy but because I am so exhausted I have had to force myself to slow down. With that I have really started to think a lot about the events of this year.

I have reconnected with so many amazing friends from my past and Mélaine’s and met some fantastic new ones.

There have been so many helpful bits of advice from you all.

But one of the most helpful came to me as a question from Jo, she wrote… “why is it that often, when someone needs help the most they make the greatest effort not to appear weak?

Jo was actually asking her friends for input and most of us replied by first asking if the question was aimed at us… It was not, of course but it struck a chord in me and made me realize that I am crushed, and empty and sad and angry and confused and stressed and tired and lonely and that is a lot. It takes every ounce of energy in my body to take a breath. Music makes me weep and tears are always ready to stream out of me.

However, I am in love with my son Jay. He gave me a little candle that he made at school. He said “I made you something Papa”. He had drawn little snowmen on the glass, and it had a small signed note with his name on it. He told me to read it so I started to and one sentence into it I choked up. I was kneeling down by my son in his school and a teacher was walking by… she knew what was happening and my pride kept me from totally breaking down. I just grabbed Jay and hugged him.

He is the best. He is the reason I am willing to smile even when I feel crap.

When I was a boy my father used to say how lucky we were to have our health and home and family and food.

I get it Dad, I really do, I never used to but I do now.

I am so happy to have Luc and Claire and Isaac and Ann and Jerry up for Christmas. It will be great to not have to answer “how are you”? Because we all know, we are complete crap… oh, but it “will get better”. Side note (platitude) is a trite, meaningless, biased or prosaic statement that is presented as if it were significant and original plat·i·tude Pronunciation: \ˈpla-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd\ Function: nounEtymology: French, from plat flat, dull Date: 1812 1 : the quality or state of being dull or insipid2 : a banal, trite, or stale remark… God please make them stop!

Humor and time make good bandaids, the don’t mend the wound but the help cover the pain.

I Miss you Mélaine… I Can’t even put on paper how much.

I have found a new reply to the question of “how are you” … I just say “life is good” … they don’t even get it.

Here is to a new year.

By the way do Shepherds really watch their flocks at night in the winter? Seems like the date may be wrong… maybe I am going crazy. I will have to ask Santa, he must know, he is always driving around about this time.

Live well

Keith and Jay

Tell God not to send tornadoes.

Jay and I were filling in our emergency food into our cupboard today.

He was asking why we had so much food, I told him that it was incase of emergency like a tornado, or stupid people in charge of everything in the country being so greedy that they run our entire world into a crisis… serieously why aren’t they in jail.

He said we should tell God not to send a tornado. I said yes that would be cool… he said … “do ti Papa”. Cool kid … so I told God not to and then threw in an Amen!

Hope you are all well.

We came we saw we lived and left

Jay on the 1st day in the house Jan 2005 and the last November 2008.

Soccer, I mean Football, oh you know…

Jay started playing Soccer, Football for you lovelies across the pond… Or are we across the pond?

He did really well and then the tiredness, coldness, loudness and newness crushed him and he lost it. So I tried the soccer Dad, “get out there play!”… did not work, I tried the consoling Dad, “what is wrong honey?” did not work… Then the encouraging dad…”you can do it!…?” He just did not dig it last week. 

Tomorrow we try again… yippee!

Love you all.

Keith and Jay

We are still here, and so busy.

Wow,

It has been a long time since I blogged.

Well, we are still here. 

I started to feel a bit more these last few weeks. So I took it upon myself to have a bit of a meltdown.

A meltdown as it turns out, when you are responsible for a 4 and 1/2 year-old, means getting pissy when things don’t go your way at work and saying the 4 letter words loud enough for your next cubicle buddy to hear.

Jay continues to do well in school and say thoughtful things all of the time.

One night he asked me why I cried when I held him. I told him it was because he reminded me so much of his Mummy. He thought that was cool.

Love to all. If I don’t write back it is only because I am really really ridiculously busy.

Keith and Jay

The Love Will Never Go Away

Mélaine always told me that Dandelions turned into puff balls. I never thought she was right.

Luc sent Mélaine’s Urn box back to us today. Jay and I went to pick it up. At the scattering, before we scattered Mélaine’s ashes Jay wanted to see what Mummy’s ashes looked like. We opened the box and Jay took a look inside. Not knowing what to expect from him, his reaction was to start picking Dandelions “for Mummy” and put them in the her box. It was overwhelming but beautiful. 

When the box showed up we unwrapped it and opened it up. The flowers were in side but they had turned into puffballs, the kind that every kid loves to blow, and so Jay blew them and they went all over us the car everything. It was really cool and important. So instead of getting mad I just started laughing.

We called Luc to say thanks and let him know that her box had arrived. Jay said, “If the flowers were gone, the love would go away, but since the flowers were in the box, the love will never go away… Tears… These pictures are of where we scattered her ashes. The one of Jay and I is just in front where we scattered her.

Running for a Reason, Please Donate.

Well here is a way you can all make a difference. Randy Troy, one of Mélaine’s friends from work is running in her honor to raise funds for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Please if you have the extra money donate. You can donate right on his site. This is real, and it helps save lives.

Click here to Donate

Thanks Keith

Tire Swing, Tractor, River, and Tent… oh yes how fun…

Jay had a great weekend. My most amazing and talented friends Ben and Marci, invited Jay over for a sleep over. It was my first opportunity to breath in months. I have not had a moment to myself.

It was Jay’s first sleepover. When I asked him it he wanted to do a sleepover he said “no… well, would I be able to take my stuffed animals?”. I said yes, and he said, “oh, I am very excited about my first sleep over. Can I ride the tractor?” I am sure you can I said. 

They have a beautiful house and property that backs on to the local river. There are deer and possum and all kinds of furry creatures.

Micah is their beautiful boy and a lovely kid. Jay and he got along really well. They played and played and then after a long great day they slept in a tent in Micah’s room.

Here are some pics that Ben and Marci took.

Love to all…