I have met a wonderful woman. Her name is Jodi and she gets me… and I get her.
She makes me laugh and she shares in my tears. She has known about Mélaine and Jay and I for a very long time from afar.
She does not need me but she wants me. I like that.
Love is a beautiful thing.
Easter was great!
We went down to Ann and Jerry’s
I will post a video soon.
Hope you are all well
We went to Chicago on Saturday for an over night. Jay and I went to the Museum of Science and Industry.
It was great! We stayed in the Sax Hotel, which was recommended by Bob. I now recommend it as well.
It was a really fun trip.
We are doing quite well. Here are some pics.
In what movie have you seen this car?
We went on a short day trip.
It was fantastic. Nice to get out. We drove a short 3 hour trip to Dayton OH and went to the AFB Museum.
It is the biggest one I have ever been to. Jay and I loved it. Hope you enjoy the pictures.
Be happy if you are not seek to understand why. If you can figure it out then take steps to fix it. If you can’t figure it out seek out help. Don’t wait. Every day that goes by is irretrievable.
Today, on Jay’s actual birthday, Feb 9th I came home to a boy who was not well. He was holding his side and said his tummy hurt. We were supposed to go to Bob Evan’s for pancakes, but instead we went to ER. I am a bit jumpy when it comes to Jay being sick. But I have never been wrong when I do need to take him. Jay was in agony, and of course we went to the RediMed 1st. The doctor there was great. He told us that Jay’s tummy was distended and we needed to have a picture taken.
So then we went to the Lutheran Hospital, the same hospital Mélaine was in before we went to Cleveland.. Now I have never really liked to be in hospitals, but I am not freaked out about them. And I have been back there before this because Jay has his Pediatrician visits there.
But when we got to the ER it was a bit too familiar. This was the place that we took Mélaine when she 1st had her horrific pains and started on the pain meds and took the 1st ambulance ride. So I was doing OK. And was really telling myself it is cool… not panicking at all.
Then they took Jay and I back into the rooms and they fricken put us in the exact bed that Mélaine was in that night when the whole real mess began… It was just a bit to much… He needed me and so I rubbed his tummy and started my breathing exercise that I have learned to calm down. But after being alone for 1/2 hour literally lying in the bed that she laid in I freaked… I called the nurse but instead of asking for her, I asked it the would get my Mom… a 40 year old man asking for his Mom. she said she would get her and another 20 minutes went by.
So I finally got up and told Jay I would be right back. Not wanting to leave a 5 year old in a bed by himself, I ran out of the emergency room to the waiting room and said rather calmly, “Mom do you want to come in to the room”?
Yes it is nice to have your Mom around even if you are 40.
So she came in and sat and then I escaped to the cafeteria to get some food for us. When I got back I was a bit calmed down. They drew blood from Jay and he Cried… and the took an X-ray of his tummy and then told us he was… constipated… a boy who eats cucumber, broccoli, strawberries, has soy milk, and loves apples and grapes… So what is the deal?
So we got him some laxative and came home and he said…”Papa, I have to poo”.
We had a great time last Saturday and celebrated Jay’s 5th Birthday.
Click the link below.
Love you all loads.
Jay is looking cooler and cooler everyday. He is so amazing. It has been cold here for weeks I am talking -19F. So what do you do when it is cold… go outside.
We had fun/
Well it has been a long time since I blogged. I have definitely started to break down. I have started calling in my friends and family. They have been staying with me and helping me with day to day things.
I have been having trouble sleeping, trouble at work, trouble taking care of Jay, trouble taking care of myself and it has all finally caught up to me.
My heart rate and blood pressure have been abnormal. I woke up a couple of days ago at 3AM and found myself unable to breath. It felt like there was not oxygen in the room, I could exchange air, but could not breath it. I opened the window and it did not help. My heart was at 100 BPM at rest. This scared me… So I went to my Doctor and basically told her I thought I was ill. She listened and asked me questions and as we talked I started to break down emotionally. She told me that I was exhibiting classic signs of a panic attack. She said it was normal for a person that had been through this.
So I guess I am not superman… thank God!
I am on a mild anti depressant… never thought I would be here.
But I feel remarkabley better, better than I have for over a year.
I forgot what feeling good felt like.
Painfully yours.
Keith
Merry Christmas to all.
I did not send out cards this year for multiple reasons. Mostly because I just did not find the time. But we love you all and wish you a wonderful season.
I do want to say thank you from the deepest part of my being to all that supported me this year. My friends and family have grown so much. I have to say that my company Sweetwater Sound stood by me and my family in a manor I could never have imagined. The outpouring of support was greater than that which I saw in the US Army (which is pretty amazing). From the President, Chuck to all of my bosses and coworkers. I am overwhelmed. I don’t know how to say thank you enough, except to just say thank you.
It has been such a sad year for me and Jay. I am realizing the further away we get from Mélaine’s death the more tragic is. My survival so far has been based on staying busy but because I am so exhausted I have had to force myself to slow down. With that I have really started to think a lot about the events of this year.
I have reconnected with so many amazing friends from my past and Mélaine’s and met some fantastic new ones.
There have been so many helpful bits of advice from you all.
But one of the most helpful came to me as a question from Jo, she wrote… “why is it that often, when someone needs help the most they make the greatest effort not to appear weak?
Jo was actually asking her friends for input and most of us replied by first asking if the question was aimed at us… It was not, of course but it struck a chord in me and made me realize that I am crushed, and empty and sad and angry and confused and stressed and tired and lonely and that is a lot. It takes every ounce of energy in my body to take a breath. Music makes me weep and tears are always ready to stream out of me.
However, I am in love with my son Jay. He gave me a little candle that he made at school. He said “I made you something Papa”. He had drawn little snowmen on the glass, and it had a small signed note with his name on it. He told me to read it so I started to and one sentence into it I choked up. I was kneeling down by my son in his school and a teacher was walking by… she knew what was happening and my pride kept me from totally breaking down. I just grabbed Jay and hugged him.
He is the best. He is the reason I am willing to smile even when I feel crap.
When I was a boy my father used to say how lucky we were to have our health and home and family and food.
I get it Dad, I really do, I never used to but I do now.
I am so happy to have Luc and Claire and Isaac and Ann and Jerry up for Christmas. It will be great to not have to answer “how are you”? Because we all know, we are complete crap… oh, but it “will get better”. Side note (platitude) is a trite, meaningless, biased or prosaic statement that is presented as if it were significant and original plat·i·tude Pronunciation: \ˈpla-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd\ Function: nounEtymology: French, from plat flat, dull Date: 1812 1 : the quality or state of being dull or insipid2 : a banal, trite, or stale remark… God please make them stop!
Humor and time make good bandaids, the don’t mend the wound but the help cover the pain.
I Miss you Mélaine… I Can’t even put on paper how much.
I have found a new reply to the question of “how are you” … I just say “life is good” … they don’t even get it.
Here is to a new year.
By the way do Shepherds really watch their flocks at night in the winter? Seems like the date may be wrong… maybe I am going crazy. I will have to ask Santa, he must know, he is always driving around about this time.
Live well
Keith and Jay
Jay and I were filling in our emergency food into our cupboard today.
He was asking why we had so much food, I told him that it was incase of emergency like a tornado, or stupid people in charge of everything in the country being so greedy that they run our entire world into a crisis… serieously why aren’t they in jail.
He said we should tell God not to send a tornado. I said yes that would be cool… he said … “do ti Papa”. Cool kid … so I told God not to and then threw in an Amen!
Hope you are all well.
Jay on the 1st day in the house Jan 2005 and the last November 2008.
